30 July 2010

Hurtfulness dropped in at the wrong moment.

Why on earth did you stubbornly drop in when I was down in the mouth? Was it a coincident? God knows!

I acted as if I was satisfied with everything. I smiled as if I did not vex by anything around. I walked away to shed my tears and came back with a happy face. I wiped down all the tears and pretended as if I was in a cheerful frame of mind. I hid in my room when everyone went back to where they live. I stayed in my room until the moment I fell asleep.

I tried very hard to hold my tears when they were about to roll down my cheeks. No, I shouldn't cry. I told myself I was tough. I told myself I shouldn't be easily defeated just by a mere trifle. I reminded myself of the laughter during the long break. I told myself I was laughing so happily with the girls. Why not I just keep going on as though I wouldn't be depressed by anything?

In fact, I'm still as weak as usual. I am too weak to fight against the harmfulness. Things never seemed to knock it off or slow down no matter how I yelled. People never seemed to be understanding when I was down. People never seemed to bother me as well when things actually concerned them, as if they were the outsiders. Things tended to go well and smooth for weeks and months, yet, it turned bad out of a sudden. It used to be! Things never failed to enforce me to speechless. Nonetheless, the people who were concerned never seemed to take note. They always realized only when I told them everything. They always took actions only when I spoke frankly. That was so damn meaningless but it happened repeatedly.

They were playing important roles in my life. They choose to put me beyond the pale instead when I needed their company. They choose to keep a good distance from me after leaving me out in the cold, making me feeling so helpless and lonely. I thought everything would be perfect in every respect, I was wrong. Things knocked me down continuously, making me deeply grieved.

I choose to stay, because I never want to leave no matter how. Yes, I rather suffer from my own actions. I might get crazy, but, so what?

What? I just don't want to be left out in the cold, especially when I really need help. It is acceptable if your reason of abandoning me makes sense, but not when I'm seriously down and when you're free in the meantime. I hope you understand what I'm trying to tell.

By the way, please take note that I'm not meaning you if you are from DT 37.


1 comment:

Thank you so much for leaving your loves over here! They are all much appreciated! :D