I love you, ah ma!

Today is the death anniversary of my grandmother (of my poppa's side). I didn't know, and I didn't realize at all, until momma told us in the morning. I have never remembered the day, since I was still in the primary school at the moment when she left. I didn't really know the feelings of someone who has been so closed with you suddenly passes away.

I started recalling back about what I had been through with my grandmother when I was young, in the car. I realized that I hadn't had any memorable story with her, including the last day I saw her breathing in the hospital.

One thing I know very well is that she had been suffering from diabetes for years. I could still remember her toes without toenails which I had been so damn afraid of, her legs with thousands of unhealed wounds and with lotions all around, her mouth without a single tooth except for the denture that she had been using for so long, her wheelchair that she couldn't live without, her clothes that seemed to be always the same, and et cetera.

We didn't really communicate much, and we couldn't communicate well all the time, since I always couldn't understand what she was trying to talk, even when she's wearing her denture. Yes, lack of communications makes me feel as if I don't really know what she had been wanted from us all that while. Only the adults could understand her, I guess.

Even now, when I'm trying to rack my brains to recall everything we had been through before she left, I fail to make it. One scene of celebrating one of her birthdays, which I don't know when it happened; one scene of visiting her back in the hospital in Taiping, which I can't recall which year it was; at the night that she passed away, poppa had an emergency flight from Sarawak to KL just to drive us all the way to Taiping to attend her funeral, and we arrived there at around 3am; that's all. Yes, I'm such an unfilial granddaughter. :(

How can I not be upset? She is my grandmother, and I, as a granddaughter, couldn't even remember anything about her. That's just so awful.

I'm sorry, ah ma! I love you.

R.I.P.

x.